Crazy Crack Oneshots
by ShinyMoons
Summary: A series of outrageous, strange crack fics that will make you question our sanity... but it's all a good laugh, right? Not all chapters will be rated M, but chapters with an M rating will be labelled as such. Characters also may be terribly OOC, although it has all been purposefully written as so. Please, enjoy!


**AN/** Hello there! This is our first collaborative fic in which we have actually posted to here. These are a series of unrelated crack oneshots - so the characters are purposefully out of character and we tried to make it all go a bit insane! Please review if you enjoyed it, which we hope you did! This will probably be an ongoing series, updated every so often, although it will go on haitus if we decide to start on a bigger, more serious fanfiction project!

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_(This chapter is rated **(M)** and contains sexual content. As well as just very strange crack.)_

_Toy Soldiers_

England had been staying at America's house for around a week. He would have left sooner, had it not been for the terrible weather preventing him from flying back to the UK. If only that was the only thing to be angry about – but no, there was more. The American had given him a continuous headache throughout his stay, and he was ready to explode.

"England!" America called, "I'm ordering pizza! What d'you want?"

With a groan, England replied with a short 'nothing', and turned in the opposite direction of America's annoying voice. If only there was _somewhere_ in this house he could hide from the annoying younger nation… His eyes fell on some stairs leading into what appeared to be a storage closet. Yes, that was a great idea! He'd possibly get some peace and quiet!

Slipping into the old doorway, which was open just a crack, England batted dusty cobwebs away from his face as he entered the room, which was larger than he expected. He stormed to the back of the room, settling onto an old, battered chair which let out a puff of dust as England's plump, succulent buttocks rested against the material. He looked around the old room, which was like that of another time period than the rest of America's house. He sighed, silently cursing the annoying blond in the other room. Rising from the chair, he crouched down beside some ancient wooden drawers, deciding to rummage through America's private storage.

After a few minutes of coughing from the dusty residue left on most of the items, England kind of wished he hadn't decided to be nosy. A box was left thick with grime, as if it hadn't been touched since the day it was left inside the box to rot. Lifting the box up, his suspicions rang true. It was a handmade box of toy soldiers – made by none other than England himself, centuries ago.

He tensed his buttocks with anger, huffing as he took off the lid reluctantly. The least the American could've done was sell them to some antique dealer where they'd get much better treatment than in this dingy room! Before he could put them away and contain his anger, the door slammed open.

England spun to the door as memories flashed through his mind of tiny America playing gleefully with his new handmade soldiers. The way his smiling face seemed to radiate happiness, the way he would wake up early in order to play with his cherished gift, the way his buttocks would jiggle with glee. England momentarily closed his eyes, casting the bittersweet nostalgia from his mind. "America... Why do you still have these damned soldiers? Why, even now, must you make me remember such things. I wanted to forget, America! I wanted to forget all of this!"

Without giving the younger nation a chance to reply, England stood up with great speed and made his way over to America, pushing him into the door so it shut with a click, and they were engulfed in shadows. England fumbled around in his back pocket, before pulling out a shiny object which made America blink in confusion.

"Uh… England, why do you have handcuffs…?" But the Brit merely pressed his index finger to America's mouth, his lips curving into a small smile.

"Shhh… Don't speak." Before America knew it his wrists had been handcuffed together, and England was leading him somewhat forcefully towards the soft, cushiony chair which had comforted his bumcheeks a few minutes previously.

As America's delicate, rounded cheeks fell into position on the old chair, England smirked. Straddling America's lap, he began to dance wildly and passionately, tugging at his own hair and clothing and breathing frenziedly. His hips rocked from side to side.

"Oh baby, when you talk like that, you make a woman go mad," England breathed, still dancing vigorously. Meanwhile, America could merely continue to stare.

"Um, Engla-"

"YOU KNOW MY HIPS DON'T LIE AND I'M STARTING TO FEEL IT'S RIGHT" England bellowed as he leaned into America's face. America could feel England's hot breath against his cheeks, but not his arse cheeks, England thought regrettably. After ripping off his shirt with a resounding tearing sound, England removed himself from America's lap, breathing heavily and sweating, sticking his blond locks against his face. " IT IS TIME." he announced, reaching for a toy soldier. " Let's see if we can make these soldiers disappear out of my sight."

Slowly, he brought the toy soldier up to his mouth and began to stroke it's head with his tongue, before sticking it's whole body in his mouth, just the feet sticking out. It tasted… strange - like wood, with years old paint flaking off of its figure. Suddenly, popping the soldier back out of his mouth, his eyes widened with an idea. "Turn around. On your knees." He barked an order, to which America complied in a slightly worried and confused manner.

From there, the Brit swiftly removed America's trousers and boxers, discarding them on the dusty floor next to the box he had retrieved the soldiers from. "Now, love…" He started, before a wide grin returned to his face. "I want you to count". After giving the soldier another lick, he prodded at America's arsehole, and gave it a forceful lick, revelling in the surprised moaning noise America made after he did so.

Staring at America's puckered hole sent a shiver of excitement prickling through the flesh covering England's spine. His heart began to race as he positioned the carved wood at America's anus. "Count with me!" He sang. "One!" He pushed against the tight hole, watching it spread open to eat up the toy. America grunted with a sweaty mixture of both pain and pleasure. England kept pushing against the tightness of America's muscles. "Don't clench, it will hurt more, love." He said kindly with much sympathy, but the look on his face was one of pure enjoyment.

The toy was almost completely swallowed when England finally stopped. He tried to ignore the uncomfortable pressure in his pants, and reached for the next soldier. "England..." America whimpered, "why are you doing this to me?!"

"Becaaaause" He replied, dragging out the end of the word, giggling when the second soldier was swallowed up by America's arse. "You've been naughty! Making me all angry like that…" He paused, tapping on the slight bit of wood that was still poking out of the hole, frowning when it wouldn't go in further.

England crawled over to America's ear, his lips brushing against it in the process, before whispering, "and naughty boys must be punished." England licked his lips and retrieved another soldier from the box, "Here comes number three!" He called, grinning maniacally as he attempted to shove the third inside, but disappointed when it wouldn't fit. "Oh dear… I guess we'll just have to find somewhere else to put them! Say ahhhh~!" He pulled America's chin towards him, opening his mouth by pressing on his cheeks, and popping the soldier inside. "Haha! Three!"

America cried out from the pain shooting through his back passage, but it was muffled by the new addition of wood inside his mouth. England turned his attention back to the other two soldiers, wiggling them about inside the tight tube.

America moaned loudly, and it echoed off the walls. The deepest soldier rubbed against his prostrate, making him screw shut his eyes in pleasure. His penis jiggled as America shifted uncomfortable on his hands and knees, thrusting back and forth against the wooden toys. "Oh, oh, oh," England said with laughter in his voice, "someone is enjoying this!" His eyes narrowed with a loving smile as he admired the two vibrant, round moons that were America's buttocks, moist and shiny with sweat. "Oh, America... You've always had such a desirable booty."

Suddenly, from his pocket, he produced an eye patch. He positioned it over one of his shining, emerald eyes. "Arrr, matey. Avast ye landlubber, curse that admirable booty!"

Just as suddenly he ripped the eye patch back off of his head, dumping it on the pile of clothes next to them, evidently now returning to 'normal'. Slowly, England dug his fingers ruthlessly into America's hole, digging out the second toy soldier that had been put in. "I wonder how we're going to get this next one out… Hm, looks like you'll have to push!" He gave a small giggle, moving his face down to America's hole where he merely watched.

"Uh… England, what the hell?" America shifted uncomfortably, earning a smack on his juicy buttocks.

"Hush, deary, and _push_." England grinned as America did so, watching the soldier come further and further towards him. "Ha, it's like you're having a baby!" England sang as the soldier finally popped out, thudding against the floor while America was breathing hard and fast, spitting out the toy that was in his mouth so it was far easier for him to breathe.

Suddenly, England stopped what he was doing. He looked down at himself, horrified. Around his neck, a strange pink thing had began to grow, intertwining itself around England's neck and throat. It almost looked like... a scarf. "WHAT THE-" England cried, jumping to his feet. "What's happening to me?! America watched in stunned silence as the scarf pulsated, as if it had a life of its own.

"That's a side effect of the possession," a high, childish voice chimed from the shadows. A towering man emerged, with broad, muscular shoulders and light hair. His stunning eyes of violet penetrated the other two men. "It will wear off in a day or two, so don't worry, friend!" The two blond men stared.

"I have no words." murmured England with a strained voice.

"So, we are friends, right?" Asked Russia, a childish look of curiosity illuminating his purple orbs. "Friends, friends, friends," he sang, skipping around the room.

And with that, the Russian nation stayed at America's house – much to their dismay – for_ two whole days_. England, however, locked himself in the spare room that had been given to him to borrow, hiding beneath the sheets in pure sock and terror for almost another whole week.

Finally, it was over. England breathed a sigh of relief and opened up his laptop, scrolling down a website called Tumblr, of which he had recently joined, before he saw… Pictures.

Pictures of him, and America, and the toy soldiers.

Posted by none other than Japan.

"What the _fuck_!"

The end.

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**AN/ **Thank you for reading! We hope you enjoyed it and possibly laughed! As we said previously, not all of these oneshots will have such themes, so.. Yeah.


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